I usually write book reviews, movie reviews and original short stories but for April, I will do all those things and also some memories, thoughts, rants and musings. This first post is a musing, for want of a better word.
I spent all November diligently working on my book as part of NaNoWriMo, it hasn’t reached the level of first draft but it’s getting there. I have some chapters written, planned out the outline and the direction I want the book to take. Working on my book required me to contemplate my dreams and hopes as a teenager. Little things made up my understanding of ‘being American’ and the moment I knew I was moving to America, my brain had started to list the things I’d want to do. However, the first few years passed by in a blur of immigrant struggles, heartbreak and adjusting to life as an independent adult. But in the last few years, I have slowly been fulfilling some of these dreams.
The one that I badly wanted to do was to carry a brown grocery bag with a baguette sticking out of it. Surprisingly, I hadn’t fulfilled this one even after a decade of having lived in America – something was always missing, either the paper bag or the baguette or the groceries. I am happy to say that has been stricken off my list courtesy of Trader Joes.
A few others – pizza and beer at a bar (thank you Luigi’s in San Diego), a big fat burrito (again, thank you El Zarape in San Diego), being stared at for being the only brown person (this was more of a nightmare than a dream but Texas sure fulfilled it), hookah bar, dance club and many others.
The most profound though has been – driving my own car, late at night, back to an apartment I rent by myself after having spent a wonderful evening with my friends. This desire encapsulates so much of what I wanted growing up; freedom and choice. Freedom to be out in the dark without fear of assault, ability to choose activities that I am interested and financial capability to own a car and rent a place.
The privilege isn’t lost on me and I haven’t forgotten the struggle it took to get there. But these memories, thinking about my life in the context of fulfilled dreams and giving them thought and meaning has been immensely helpful. This feeling of satisfaction has helped me get out of several depressive episodes, especially during a time when the world is burning and the future looks bleak. It is really difficult though to remember these moments when despair reigns in my heart but the knowledge that life isn’t all bad resides somewhere beneath all the darkness which eventually wins and I get to see the sunlight again.
This musing turned into something heavier than I anticipated but writing it down felt really good. I think this challenge is starting off to a good start – we’ll see what tomorrow brings.
Across the Ocean 
The baguette sticking out of a brown paper bag is something I’ve seen in a lot of American TV/movies, and I totally get that as being part of “the dream”. I think, though, having freedom and choice, the way you described it, is a much better one 🙂
Ronel visiting for A: My Languishing TBR: AAbominable Wraiths
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Thank you!! I was starting to wonder if I had dreamed it lol
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I love the fact that carrying the baguette in a brown paper bag sticks out so much to you. I think mostly because I’ve never seen this anywhere (I think I saw a type of bread hanging out of the top of a bag once while in Scotland).
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My brain has always enjoyed Romanticism
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I’ve always lived in America and have never seen someone with a baguette sticking out of a brown paper bag. That sounds very French and kind of romantic to me. Where I live, we go to Walmart and get bread but it fits in the plastic bag! Not romantic at all! But if you are in San Diego area, you are way more likely to see something like that there. I used to live in LA. What I wish I could do is go to a Jewish deli and get real bagels and raspberry macaroons in a paper bag!
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Same here with Walmart or target and so it took so long. I wonder then where my brain came up with that image because a couple more people said the same, although I don’t mind it one bit ha. I did feel like a character from a book. And the bread was really good
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wonderful post! I can relate to some of the thoughts you shared. The baguette wish for example, but for a different reason: I come from a country (Italy) where it is very common to walk to the store to get a baguette that does not fit in the bag. And so it would be awesome if it could happen the same way. Unfortunately there are very few places where you can find bread that tastes like the one I was used to….
I also remember struggling to adapt when I moved to the US. Until one day I “yell” to myself “stop comparing, and accept”, and that did it for me.
Where are you from? your English is so good…
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Aww thank you! I’m from India but have been in America for a little over ten years. And yes! Freshly baked bread is so hard to find. I did that comparing too for a long time but not so much now.
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Why did you want to carry a paperbag with a baguette sticking out of it? I don’t think of it as something really American, more likely something the French would do. I’m an American but I’ve never carried a paperbag with a baguette in it.
I’m discussing book genres for the challenge and I hope you will stop by.
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Ha it’s just something I have seen on TV ya know. Someone is carrying groceries and something dramatic happens and they drop it. Growing up, we had a vegetable vendor and a store literally right next to where I lived and they usually delivered stuff to us. Somehow my brain just made it American. The baguette I think comes from cartoons lol
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